Friday, June 15, 2012

Rear view mirror

When I drove to pick up Monica from the airport a couple months ago, it was a pretty emotional experience for me. She was flying into the city where I was initially hospitalized back in February, and I realized a few miles into the trip that the last time I'd driven to that place was the start of our tumultuous 5 1/2 weeks away from home. I started to cry in the car, overcome with reminders of all the scary things I've just gone through, but also how faithful God has been to all of us.

At one point on the drive to the airport, I looked in the rear view mirror. That simple act reminded that sometimes on a long journey, we need to look behind us and acknowledge where we've been, and where we've come from. I decided on the drive that it was important to me to show Monica the hospital--and for me to see it in a non-urgent situation. The airport was also an emotional trigger for me, because I was taken there by ambulance before being put on a medical plane.

After picking Monica up, we drove to the parking lot of the hospital where Naomi and I spent a week. (The rest of the time we were at Mayo.) I sobbed as we sat together in the car, looking up at the buildings where significant things happened--and so recently. It's common knowledge that I am a "closure person," and that brief and impromptu visit to the outside of the hospital did provide some closure for me.

I don't think I will ever "get over" what happened. It's a part of me now, with even physical evidence to prove it. I told someone shortly after I returned home that I hoped I would never forget certain pieces of the story, but I also don't want to dwell on things too much. That can be a tough balance to strike. Going back to my driving analogy--sometimes we need to check the rear view mirror, but of course we mostly need to keep our eyes focused on what's right in front of us.

photo credit


thehomespunheart said...

So thankful that is all in the rear view now - love you! Monica

Mom said...

Great analogy, Carrie! I think you'll find that there will be circumstances (sights, sounds, places, etc.) that will prompt you to "look in the rear view mirror" at this difficult experience -- sometimes unexpectedly. But this is a great reminder to return your eyes to the road quickly. I'm glad you had this opportunity for some closure and glad that Monica could be with you. Love you lots, Mom

Speaky1013 said...

Well said, honey. All of us need to hear you process this as you need so we can continue to be there for you. Thanks for reminding us of how faithful God is.

Anonymous said...

Dear Carrie,
How odd that you used this anaology of the rearview mirror vs. the windshield. The president of John Knox Village gave a devotional on this very thing several months ago, which started the process of my making the decision to go to Guatemala. He talked about how the rearview mirror is much smaller than the windshield, so we should only look back enough to learn from our past but our focus should be straight ahead. He also talked about taking risks and "doing a new thing" using the scripture in Isaiah 43where God says to "forget the former things; do not dwell on the past. See I am doing a new thing."
I left there that day feeling that I really needed to do something new for the Lord...even if it meant taking a risk. I wavered back & forth for weeks before I finally submitted to what I knew the Lord was calling me to do. That decision was finalized when I went to the women's conference in Jackson, Mo in April and attended a workshop on obeying God. I knew then that I had to say Yes to what God was asking me to do. I'm still having some anxieties about my performance on this trip, as it has been so long since I have worked with children and I think that will be my primary responsibility on this mission trip. I also know that God has promised never to leave us nor forsake us and I know He will empower me to do what He is leading me to do. However, I still covet your prayers (as well as many others) I know you understand the power of prayer from your recent experience, so I know I can count on my family for that as well.
How I praise Him for answering our prayers for you & your precious little Naomi. Can't wait to meet her in July!
I love you, Grandma

Carrie said...

Amen! Amen! Amen! Amen! (Etc.! Etc.! Etc.!)

It has become part of your story. Something to remember and internalize. And yet, we have to keep our eyes on the road - on the perfecter of our faith - knowing that He has a great plan indeed!

Beautiful post. Well said!

Katie said...


What a beautiful *reflection* of your experience at Mayo!! This post challenged my heart! Very special that you were able to put a little closure on this with your dear sister to lean on. The analogy you outlined here was so insightful ~ I paused to think on those things in my life that need this rear-view mirror perspective. Thanks for sharing some of your inner thoughts on your experience with the birth of Naomi. It's been a privilege to follow along in this journey of faith!

Blessings to you and your family,

p.s. Praying for your dear grandma and her upcoming mission trip! :)